I feel more and more displaced for some reason. I looked forward to coming home to Bolehland and imagined that things would be wonderful, great food, great weather, catching up with friends and family.
The food has consistently been great and if I had spent the first week consistently downing sambal petai, my system had to put up with copious amount of Tom Yam last week. My abused digestive system handled the challenge very well. It is probably relieved that for these few weeks it doesn't have to put up with my own cooking.
The weather, ahh, the thing that became an obsession with me since I started living in London. The weather has been predictably great and as the sun mercilessly grill us and try to drown us in our own sweat, it is easy to forget the chilliness of a typical day in London. It is probably considered ungrateful to wish that it could have been sunnier here, but I reckon that it would certainly have helped with the visibility when I went snorkeling in Perhentian. Maybe I am speaking out of unjustified nostalgia, but I think I prefer Tioman. Maybe the weather was a lot better or the water was less polluted when I was there, but I remember the water as being a lot clearer than Perhentian. What happened in Perhentian though, stays in Perhentian. I am of course trying to make it sound more interesting to cover the fact that we spent the weekend mind numbingly staring at the sea. I am boring, I know.
As for relations, well, people move on. Meeting up for a few times in the span of a few weeks in the interval of a year make for stilted conversations. We are different people now. It is true that living abroad changes you, but your friends at home have also moved on with their life. Generally I find that conversations revolve around at the superficial level, we were spewing out facts without really going deeper on the rationales behind the facts (GM, I support your decision bebeh!). Not that I want to be nosy, but I am aware that I haven't been there and thus have been out of the scene. And to include me again requires a hell lot of explanation about the background of the issue and maybe even the backdrop. And I can't be there to hang out at the mamak with my friends anytime I want, as mentioned before, I don't live in the same city as them.
At times I feel like I have lost my social skills. It is easy to explain away my silence in social situations in London by putting the blame on language barrier which then influence my confidence in speaking up (or I can blame it on the fact that I fell asleep while you were talking). But here, I am on home ground and can deliver a joke in my own language with all the cockiness of a local. And I can just continue to meaninglessly rant to keep conversations going. But still sometimes pregnant silence fill the void in conversations. People have moved on and I am no longer a part of their daily life. I feel like I am desperately trying to retain flowing water in my cupped hands. Nobly Herculean but hopelessly Sysiphean, I know.
I feel like I am not here neither there. I feel at home in London for the aspirations it offers me as well as the freedom to be whatever I want to be. And of course for the challenge it offers me by merely being contextually different which then keeps me on my toes intellectually. And also the freedom of discourse. But it can get lonely at times. And since my tastebud has refused to adapt, I generally pine for the ready availability of cheap good greasy spicy food well-suited to my Malaysian palate. And while Malaysia can offer me all that I pine for in London, I feel that it would be too easy to fall into the old rhythm which will then dull my senses and I will then be chained by the demands of daily routine. And I won't have the time, or maybe willing company, to rant about the bigger questions in life.
It has only been 2 weeks, but I am beginning to miss London. I have to keep myself occupied. Tomorrow, I am going out to sketch the old Chinese townhouses. For I have brought back the white Ordning and Reda sketchbook still untouched since I got it for Christmas. Tomorrow, for once, the pages will be streaked with ink. And maybe I will make friends with the Chinese shopkeepers to whom I can rant about my life questions.
The food has consistently been great and if I had spent the first week consistently downing sambal petai, my system had to put up with copious amount of Tom Yam last week. My abused digestive system handled the challenge very well. It is probably relieved that for these few weeks it doesn't have to put up with my own cooking.
The weather, ahh, the thing that became an obsession with me since I started living in London. The weather has been predictably great and as the sun mercilessly grill us and try to drown us in our own sweat, it is easy to forget the chilliness of a typical day in London. It is probably considered ungrateful to wish that it could have been sunnier here, but I reckon that it would certainly have helped with the visibility when I went snorkeling in Perhentian. Maybe I am speaking out of unjustified nostalgia, but I think I prefer Tioman. Maybe the weather was a lot better or the water was less polluted when I was there, but I remember the water as being a lot clearer than Perhentian. What happened in Perhentian though, stays in Perhentian. I am of course trying to make it sound more interesting to cover the fact that we spent the weekend mind numbingly staring at the sea. I am boring, I know.
As for relations, well, people move on. Meeting up for a few times in the span of a few weeks in the interval of a year make for stilted conversations. We are different people now. It is true that living abroad changes you, but your friends at home have also moved on with their life. Generally I find that conversations revolve around at the superficial level, we were spewing out facts without really going deeper on the rationales behind the facts (GM, I support your decision bebeh!). Not that I want to be nosy, but I am aware that I haven't been there and thus have been out of the scene. And to include me again requires a hell lot of explanation about the background of the issue and maybe even the backdrop. And I can't be there to hang out at the mamak with my friends anytime I want, as mentioned before, I don't live in the same city as them.
At times I feel like I have lost my social skills. It is easy to explain away my silence in social situations in London by putting the blame on language barrier which then influence my confidence in speaking up (or I can blame it on the fact that I fell asleep while you were talking). But here, I am on home ground and can deliver a joke in my own language with all the cockiness of a local. And I can just continue to meaninglessly rant to keep conversations going. But still sometimes pregnant silence fill the void in conversations. People have moved on and I am no longer a part of their daily life. I feel like I am desperately trying to retain flowing water in my cupped hands. Nobly Herculean but hopelessly Sysiphean, I know.
I feel like I am not here neither there. I feel at home in London for the aspirations it offers me as well as the freedom to be whatever I want to be. And of course for the challenge it offers me by merely being contextually different which then keeps me on my toes intellectually. And also the freedom of discourse. But it can get lonely at times. And since my tastebud has refused to adapt, I generally pine for the ready availability of cheap good greasy spicy food well-suited to my Malaysian palate. And while Malaysia can offer me all that I pine for in London, I feel that it would be too easy to fall into the old rhythm which will then dull my senses and I will then be chained by the demands of daily routine. And I won't have the time, or maybe willing company, to rant about the bigger questions in life.
It has only been 2 weeks, but I am beginning to miss London. I have to keep myself occupied. Tomorrow, I am going out to sketch the old Chinese townhouses. For I have brought back the white Ordning and Reda sketchbook still untouched since I got it for Christmas. Tomorrow, for once, the pages will be streaked with ink. And maybe I will make friends with the Chinese shopkeepers to whom I can rant about my life questions.
10 comments:
today i learnt about sisyphus. thanks.
I feel like this most days, whether I am here or back home. But truth be told I felt the same when I was at STF too: pining for the freedom of home when in JB, pining for friends and activity when in Bangi.
Someone once told me I should be positive about it and feel lucky that there are two worlds, almost completely different, that I belong to, which I can use one to escape the other from, when people struggle with the monotonous in their solitary worlds.
He said it was an acquired skill, to be positive about all that: a skill I haven't acquired yet, and right now, I don't even know I want to. I quite like calling nowhere home :D Kasi drama sikit so malam malam boleh layan lagu slit wrist, yo.
Mahariz,
No problem. We'll continue our lesson on Greek mythologies some other time =)
idlang,
It depends lah kot. Some people don't even want what we have and are quite happy to just deal with the monotonous of their solitary worlds, which of course wouldn't seem monotonous to them if they are happy with it. Am I making any sense? Or has the heat of Melaka town finally gotten to my head?
Aku dah agak ni karang, kalau balik sana mesti aku rindu Melaka. Jenis tak reti bersyukur, hehe.
Assalamualaikum,
I think I can feel that Cambridge is my home now. Not that I want to embrace the 'hujan emas vs. hujan batu' theory, but as you said, you feel more freedom in London, I do feel it too, but anyway, I'll have to go home to Malaysia first to confirm the feeling.
Wassalam.
p/s: when r u coming back? Or r u back now?
Salam Fatin,
I am still here in good old Melaka =)
Cambridge is such a charming place! We must go punting together once!
As for the home thingy, did you feel anything when you came back to Malaysia for a few weeks last year? Or were you busy stuffing your face that you forgot to reflect? Hehe. I know your little ways my friend =P
there is a sense of calmness here that i cant get at home. and i cherish that. but of course, rindu tu tak pernah hilang. recently a piece of 'home' comes knocking and i found myself feeling rimas. i am not sure whether it is me who's changed or i like my space too much?
Hey, come round when u r back in UK. This year's summer will be much better than last year, so punting would be GREAT! If u don't want to have heavy traffic on the river, come after 1st July cos then most students will be home. Don't come on any of the graduation day though unless u want a 'lively' atmosphere on the river.
What little ways? Honestly, when I was in Malaysia, I missed Cambridge (not the place but the people)
http://fatinaliah.blogspot.com/2007/09/salam-from-malaysia.html
When it's the end of my time in Malaysia, I was actually thrill to come back to UK! :S
I don't know what I really want to be.
I don't know *where* I really want to be.
ihaveastrongsuspicionwhyyoudontlikemondays,
I agree with the sense of calmness. It's like your life has been stripped down to the bear necessities and hence you can choose to concentrate on what you want.
Maybe it's both. Maybe you have changed and you do like your space a lot.
Fatin,
I do want to come back to Cambridge! It'll be nice to see it bathed in sunshine for once, ni asyik-asyik pegi time gloomy je, lemau je aku tengok, hehe.
I understand when you say what was it about Cambridge that you missed.
When are you going home for good?
Come before I go home! The earliest I'm leaving would be October 2008. This summer should be a hot one, come!
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