Pensive

There are times in your life when nothing seems to be working, when you can't get what your heart desires and have to settle for second bests, when you know you should be focusing on more important things but your mind unwillingly dwell on one thought, when you suddenly come face to face with the thing you've been reluctant to admit and now can't seem to let go, when you do that one little act that will open the door to other possibilities you've been denying yourself.

Isn't it funny how certain things become real once they are out in the open? Maybe it's true that certain things are better left unsaid, and now that they have been said and your mind can't seem to let go, you wish that you had the foresight to stop it from coming out. And then you can just continue to live in denial. Because living in denial is simpler.

But you thrive on complex situations because they make you feel alive and that is why you feel that you need help, but that is another story.

You wish that things will not change, but at the same time you have to accept that things might. You can try to act like nothing had happened, but at the back of your mind you live with the knowledge. You try to accept the fact that there's nothing you can do about it, and acting normal is the only way to do it. You value too much what you have now, and you can't bear the thought of losing it.

You wonder whether you'll ever be able to do it again without realizing that you're doing it now. And the realization shatters you, because the last time you had done it was the only time you truly felt it. And because the realization confirms what you have suspected of yourself for a long time.

It's too bloody much.